Why a blog?
Maybe more succinctly, why this blog?
Although I've long since been able to count them, jamoalki will be about my 5,231st attempt at an online journal. Like so many things in my life, I failed at every other attempt to follow through with solo blogging. I've been part of a collaborative blog and for years maintained a family blog, but every time I have felt compelled to put my thoughts and feelings out into the internet ether, I've failed to keep up with it.
I guess I wasn't always sure why I truly felt the need to have an online repository of myself. I've gone through phases of "man am I clever, the world needs these thoughts" or "I need to be more creative, maybe a blog will help me find my creativity" or some other crappity crap crap reasoning. Whatever the reasons were, they were never enough to keep me motivated. Here's hoping this time it sticks.
jamoalki is intended for me to spew out all the inner workings of me. I am a severely broken man. I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I have attempted suicide. I still have suicidal ideations multiple times a week. I've failed at nearly everything I've ever attempted. I am terribly socially awkward. I don't have a firm grasp on what my emotions are, much less what emotions I am capable of having. I've often wondered if I have some amount of Asperger's. All that typed, this is the place where the answers will be found. If not by me, then by someone who happens across this tiny corner of the web.
Unfortunately, I don't think this will be a very linear read. I also have a terrible memory and have an extremely difficult time putting past events in any sort of chronological order. I won't put it past me to recount the same event twice, each version slightly (or majorly) different from the other. What can I say, I'm a mess.