Call me Mr Clean
It's been a long haul for the past 6 weeks or so. I've been as low as ever, I've been well enough to look for work (kinda), I've vacillated, seemingly within the hour, between wishing I could die up through maybe I'll just take an afternoon-long nap. That's right, my best days lately are the ones I just want to sleep, not die.
I can't say why. Or how. Or really even when. Clearly December 1st was a demarcation point in my mood. I decidedly took a step backwards after the "thrill" of NaNoWriMo. But there were good(ish) weeks in there as well. I've lost and gained back 20-25 pounds since the start of the new year. The losing was planned, the gaining not so much.
The last podcast I did, which I see I haven't posted here yet, I talked about this a little bit. About how I had serious thoughts about stopping my medication, ensuring that my mental state would get over the "hump" and move the suicidal ideations to suicidal plans. I didn't do that, and they haven't done that. I want to say that was a win, but it just doesn't feel like one.
I think I want wins. I'd like to feel a win, I'm not sure I can right now, or even the past few years, though. What does a win feel like?
I had a productive day today. The first one in a fair stretch. I cleaned the house. Both bathrooms, living room, dining room, our bedroom and the kitchen. I washed much of the wood flooring we have (how I miss carpeting) and did a ton of laundry. I even bathed both of the dogs.
See? That's a full day. Right?
Whatever, I say. Do I feel differently? Do I feel anything about it? Well, my fingers area bit waterlogged. I can smell the various cleaning products used throughout the house. I'd really just like to end the day and go to sleep.
I think it's supposed to work that I succeed in accomplishments and slowly I build some amount of self esteem. I'm 44 and have yet to see that work. Why's that?
I dunno. Maybe I'll go hide from the world in the super clean shower for a while.