Purpose in life.
Growing up in the 80's (I graduated in 1990) I was subjected to enough John Hughes' movies that I know life is lost if it doesn't have a purpose, a meaning. Right? We work through our teen years exploring and testing the world we live in. Some of us go to college and further our investigations, some of us head out into the workforce after high school. And, as the story goes, we all end up either easing into the life we enjoy or we have a "Eureka!" moment and jump into it. For some it's the perfect job. For others it's a family. Still others find a unique freedom that propels their life. And really anything can be someone's passion, the fuel for their daily drive. That thing they always keep in mind when making decisions. That goal they are always working towards. Or better yet, that goal they've achieved and they keep nourishing.
I wonder what that's like.
This isn't a doom and gloom post, or at least that's not my intention. Let me explain.
I know what it is to want to achieve goals. To want to influence life towards a particular outcome. I want my girls to grow up to be intelligent, thoughtful and curious women. I want to achieve and maintain a healthy weight. I want to be the supportive husband that I think Nora deserves. And more...
So why does my life feel as though there is no purpose? Depression has convinced me that I don't. That I'm unable to. That I don't deserve it. That there is no use in trying.
Food is my comforting friend. It can't judge me, so I know it isn't. So many times when my brain is frozen and I literally cannot figure out what to do in the next minute (seconds), I can be assured that food will silently sit with me and allow me to eat it. When I feel that there is no point in trying anymore, food says, "Hey c'mere, friend, let's have a visit together."
When I'm in the position to offer support or guidance, I often find that I'm unable to. Without a heads up of the situation, some prior knowledge of the factors involved, my mind trips over itself trying to piece together bits of information on the fly. There are times I'd swear I can feel my brain shrink into the back of my head, cutting itself off from my body.
And this isn't all the time, just most of it. Even this post has fallen victim. I've decided that there is no value in the words I've typed. That I haven't made myself clear. That I'm embarrassing myself.
I'll click publish and hope I haven't wasted your time.