One of those mornings...

One of those mornings...

That's what today is starting out as, one of those mornings.

One of those mornings when you're wide awake lying in bed, but fall over tired when you get out of it.  My 21st century technology, aka my Fitbit, tells me I got 6 hours of sleep last night. That's 24 minutes fewer than my average over the past month. Is that good? I have heard tell of people who thrive with 6 hours a night, I don't think I'm one of them. Though I could nap each and every day I generally only nap once or twice a week. The thing I've noticed is nap or no nap my sleep is the same.

I tend to fall asleep quite quickly regardless of a siesta or not. I tend to wake up around midnight to pee. Then again around 4-5 a.m. I'll toss and turn anywhere 30 minutes to an hour, then decide I might as well get up. I have a prescription for trazadone to help me sleep, I"m not so sure it does anymore. Nora had the idea that maybe if I took a second dose when I get up to pee I might sleep longer. I've tried that a few nights in a row now and the small sample size suggests I might be averaging 10 minutes more sleep a night.

My biggest problem with this early waking is that I don't seem to be able to pass the time using fine motor skills. Even reading doesn't work. I'll sit on the couch and try reading only to have my eyes droop and I struggle to keep them open. So I'll put the kindle aside and stretch out to see if Mr Sandman will come visit again. 

Nope! I toss and turn and feel energized again. 

So I walk to bagel places. The earlier I'm up the farther I'll walk. (Up to 6 miles {9.6 k}away). Now while bagels are yummy, spending each morning trying to find different routes to the same places is getting frustrating. Not to mention when Minnesota's winter shows up...brrr.

What's a boy to do?Tomorrow I'm going to call my psychiatrist and see about getting an appointment sooner so we can discuss alternatives. I'm starting to to see my mood falter with less and less sleep.

This morning while I was walking my mind wandered into some of it's favorite dark places. It hung out for a good while in the little corner I like to call, "The best is over". That's the place where I look to my past and to my probable future and realize my best days are behind me, and they weren't that great of days then. Not a very hopeful outlook for the next 1-50 years.

Even as I type this I don't see a future that doesn't suck. That isn't filled with more depression, more disappointment, more emptiness. Now I'm fairly sure this is just the tired talking, so I'm not freaking out. But it always starts somewhere.

Oh, the bagel shop is about to open. Time to get to it.

 

Be safe and be well.

Do something. Do nothing.

Do something. Do nothing.

It was all a mistake.

It was all a mistake.