Edwin is a friend of mine from Twitter. He came to me with the idea of writing out his story to be told on the show. When he sent it to me I was amazed at how open and honest he we was with it. I tried recording it a couple of times but felt I couldn’t get it right. I asked him what he thought about me putting it up on the blog and talking about it on a future episode and he was all for it.
So here it is, Edwin’s story of love and disappointment and resiliency.
“Hi my names Edwin huezo Perez I’m 17 years old and it’s Sunday January 6th and as of right now I’m depressed but not dead........ Well just recently went to a party after 6-8 months of solitude at home with no real outside human interactions, but it was with an old relationship partner of mine and it was awkward at first but as I eased in things got better I really got close with her and we I guess reconciled because most of the night we cuddled and even napped on a chair for a part of the night. It was amazing really I spoke more and i indulged with her and her family. I really felt in love again with her due to our long history, I’m kinda getting off track but yea I did fall in love and I was happy for once in a long time. Come the 5th I woke up and I was really happy I felt alive and ready to conquer I started with a good morning text to her with a little heart emoji and then went off to take a shower and brush my teeth yk regular morning routine and I waited for her text back. While I waited I played a bit of video games and about an hour later like around 10:15am (because she’s a little sleepy head) I got a text back saying good morning with a little heart on it and oh man the smile on my face it was amazing shoulda seen it man. Then continue the conversation with small talk like “how’d you sleep” “what are you doing” “any plans today” and let me tell u the more I talked to her the more in love I felt..... it was a simple but great day I played video games, was texting my honest to god sleepy head angel, and did chores to keep my house clean and just great. I’ve never felt so alive, loved, and safe in my life but with her. Sadly night came and that’s when stuff got kinda iffy she disappeared for about 3hrs or so and yea I got worried because this was a usual sign of a bad ending with her because she would like start getting distant with me when we’d fall off and argue. But I basically judged it off and said we’d be fine. Then came the morning of the 6th aka today and it was the same routine wake up with a smile, and daily freshen up routine with the good morning text, but this time when I got the message it was a dull hi and i was confused at the curveball but again ignored it and I was fine and we talked again and she informed me she was gonna disappear for a while and I felt good that she started communicating her absences and I felt like we were on the right track. During her absence I’d send her cute messages telling her I missed her and little things you know.... and I played video games did chores worked out a bit went to my sister's house cuz we had a blackout in my area. But I got a text from her saying “ hey I don’t feel so good” and I told her “why what happened” and she said she didn’t feel good mentally or physically and I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she immediately texted with a simple no and I felt it right there that this wasn’t gonna be good at all. So I proceeded to ask her if she wanted to be left alone and she said yes..... That was the sign I was hoping to avoid because in the past when we’d fallout it was after she felt sickly or bad. So on the car ride back home I felt this stomach churning/ heartbreak feeling I knew from there on out I was panicking. I was losing it man like I wanted to cry and stomp on the ground because I didn't know what to do but I kept it cool until I reached home and I go home and lost it I started to cry and panic wondering what I was gonna do now because I didn’t set up a plan b because I thought she was the endgame for me. I just lost it man so as I cried tears dripping from my eyes to my screen I just told her the truth that we should stop talking because we’re heading down the same path we always went down and her response was “alright if u want” and that broke me because my mind started booting ideas that she never really cared and I got even worse I paced around the house crying and losing my balance and I collapsed To the floor with a violent heart beat rate and I felt the life walk right outta me. But I got up and explained to her why and she just said “ I’m sorry” I was so conflicted but I just kept breaking down because I knew I was still in love with her and that I couldn’t forget her while pacing until I stopped and decided to pull up jamoalki’s podcast “Depressed not dead” the real one to calm me down and it worked I stopped feeling bad and felt a bit more in control and I just decided I needed solitude again and to sit and wait for jamoalkis next show and now I’m here recording my important events in the form of my favorite podcast “