So I’m somewhere in the neighborhood of 45 hours of podcast material. I’m totally estimating that, but I think it’s a fair guess. I’ve completed years of therapy, some of it great, some of it not so much. I’ve tried to come up with words for this blog for years as well. Most of that not so good. But I’m back and trying again. I’ve attempted a few different day programs, even a DBT program. Group meetings from DBSA. One on one talks with Nora.
All of these have helped get me to where I am today, which is much better than four years ago. Truth is I’ve been on this long climb to wellness day after day for the past 50+ months. My path has gone somewhat steeper in that climb as of late. That is, I have improved more over the past 4 months than any other similar period. I can honestly say that I am emotionally in a better place today than I’ve been since I was falling in love with Nora.
So what do I have to thank for that?
Now I’m not saying that medicine has cured me. I am still the broken person I’ve been most of my life. I still don’t like myself. I still am lacking in many areas. I still have a lot of work to do. But…
I don’t mind being me lately.
I feel ownership of my issues, not them owning me.
I can see that there can be and endgame that isn’t suicide.
What my medication regimen has given me is a leg up on my illnesses. They kind of level the playing field. I’m no longer the huge underdog in this fight. I’ve got a puncher’s chance now.
How’s this for an example of being in a better place. When I find myself in a new stairwell, I don’t spend time checking the width of the space in the center of the stairs. Wondering if I went up far enough could I fall down through the middle to me death? When I’m on upper floors I don’t check the windows to see if they open all the way. I don’t scan the ground below for cement. I don’t keep a mental inventory of my meds to ensure I have enough on hand should the dark day come calling.
I was listening to a podcast the other day. Reply All. The guest on the show was talking about her journey with depression. She said something that rings so true to me. I used to think that people who acted happy were faking it. Like no one could ever be happy genuinely. I was in that place for a very long time. I am not yet one of those happy people, but I can see myself being happy. I can appreciate that happiness is a real emotion.
This post is kind of going off the rails. I’m rambling. But I often do that on the podcast, so why not do that here?
Perhaps this is enough for now. Thanks for reading.
Be safe and be well.