Depressed Not Dead
I’m still depressed. I say that at the start of each podcast episode. I have no idea how long I’ve been so. I have no idea for how long I will be so. Maybe the answer is always, in both temporal directions. In recent weeks I’ve thought about why I say that in my opener. When I started the show the emphasis for me was on the “not dead” part of the thought. Being depressed was just a given, not having killed myself, yet, was the revelation. Like it was an unstated truth that one day I would be dead by suicide.
Not a day would pass that I didn’t think about it. I was just waiting for the right opportunity. Along the way that truism abated. I often feel like a medication apostatizer given how much credit I give to my current medley of drugs, but it was a change in medication that put me over the edge from thinking about suicide daily.
I was listening to an episode of the wonderful podcast “Giving Voice to Depression” while walking this morning. The guest who was on talked about how he had been researching ways to kill himself so that his family could still receive his life insurance money. I connected with that statement on such a deep level. I knew what he meant. I was brought back to my days of researching ways to kill myself that would be the most effective.
I was reminded that I am still depressed. I realized I am only one step, maybe, away from feeling that way again. If I allow myself to think about it, and maybe I should be confronting such thoughts, I will admit that I still feel that I don’t add value to anything or anyone. I still see myself as a burden on others. Yes I am sure that I will be mourned, but I still believe that given some amount of time, other’s futures would be brighter without me.
Now, I’m not saying that I want to go. I have honestly not felt better in years. Probably since 2014 when I was falling in love with Nora. But I’m also a ways from being healed, or in remission. I can delude myself day to day that I am in a stronger healthier place, and maybe I am somewhat. But it is clear that I am merely just outpacing depression by half a step and that if I peek over my shoulder to see where it is, I slow down enough for it to gain.
Like many of the episodes of the show this post started out as a clear idea with direction but I feel I’ve mostly babbled. Thanks for making it this far. Don’t forget to leave a comment and check out the podcast.